I haven't blogged in over a month. March 24, my birthday, was my last update. I feel like I should explain...
Last time I blogged, we were celebrating Match Day. That day, when Justin read his card on stage to announce where he would do his residency, he also announced that he and I were expecting our first baby in October. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks earlier, and we were ecstatic. I got to tell my mom the news on her birthday, February 24. She was the first to know, and it was so special to share it with her on her birthday. We kept our mouths shut until after our first ultrasound on March 16. We went in for our first OB visit and got to see the heart beat...so amazing! There was no way we could keep it a secret any longer, so we told most of our close friends and family. I was 8 weeks along then.
The next few weeks went by, and I was feeling great! Tired and hungry, but great! Justin started making a crib and my mom and I started dreaming and planning. Life was good.
Thursday, April 8 was the day of my 10 week appointment, and would turn out to be a day I will never forget. We went in for my appointment early that morning, excited and ready to see/ hear our little miracle's heartbeat. I was a little nervous because I had had very little morning sickness. Justin, and even my doctor reassured me that it was normal, a blessing even!
After a chat with my doc, she got the doppler out to listen for the heartbeat. She told me not to freak out if we couldn't hear it, since it is sometimes hard to hear at 10 weeks, and I was around 10 weeks 5 days. She placed the sound head on my belly...nothing, moved around some...still nothing but my own, slow pulse. She told me again not to freak out, that we'd do a sonogram to make sure everything was fine...it may just be too early.
We waited for what felt like an eternity for that sonogram. Finally we went back into the dark little room, and I quickly hopped up on the table. The technician placed the sound head on my belly, but we couldn't see because my bladder was too full...ugh. I went to the bathroom, said a prayer, and came back, scared and ready. We watched the screen. I knew as soon as I saw it. There was a baby, much bigger than last time, arms, legs...but no movement...no tiny little heart beating. All the tech said for what felt like 10 minutes was, "OK, Katie...." My doctor stepped in, and I lost it.
I will never ever forget her words: "Katie....we are looking at baby. This area here (she pointed) is where we should be seeing a heartbeat. There's not one."
The rest of the day is still a blur. We scheduled surgery, a D and C, for that very afternoon. The first surgery of my life! I felt numb. Justin was incredible. While I fell apart, he listened to the doctor, asked the questions I couldn't ask, called my work, called my mom, and let me cry.
Fast forward two weeks. I went back to work on Monday, April 19. I was still feeling stunned, like a zombie; but needed to do something normal again. That Thursday was my two-week follow up. I thought we'd go back, ask some questions, get some answers, and try to move on and try again soon. Tuesday, the nurse called and said "make sure your husband comes to the appointment Thursday so we can fully discuss your pathology." I freaked out. Searched the internet (bad idea). Freaked out some more.
Long story short: I had a partial molar pregnancy. Basically, two sperm fertilized the same egg...too much genetic information...not compatible with life. The scary part is that with this diagnosis, there is a small (5%) chance of developing a form of cancer called choriocarcinoma. I have to go weekly to make sure my hormone levels are doing what they are supposed to. If they don't, then I may need treatment (a chemo drug). Worse still, we can't try again for at LEAST 6 months and maybe a year.
So here we are. I feel like someone pushed the reset button. I'm still sad, but doing better. I don't know if I will ever feel the same again, but I'm finding my new normal. My goal for this week was to at least update my blog. Next week my goal is to actually get back in the groove of planning meals and cooking. I'm ready to feel like me again!
I have to remember:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Life will be good again. God is good!
The day after my surgery, my sweet friends from work brought me a rose to plant. It is very special and means the world to me. Here is a picture I took of one of the blooms and a quote I like:
Thank you so much to my wonderful family and friends for your prayers and support. I love you! Justin, you are amazing. I love you more than words.
See you all next week...with a recipe, I promise!
